This just in from the global warming lab. A new study finds the real reason for global warming isn’t actually chlorofluorocarbons or carbon dioxide emissions at all. It’s something more silent but deadly than anyone ever imagined. The study finds, get this, cattle flatulence as a significant contributor to greenhouse–ahem–gases. Yes, the claim made by the Food and Agriculture Organization and reported in yesterday’s Christian Science Monitor says cattle flatulence is affecting the planet’s fickle ozone layer and causing climate change. You can’t make this stuff up.

Folks, listen: it was somewhat believable why petroleum guzzling SUVs came under attack for their adverse effect on the planet, and so the world acquiesced to the demands of pseudo-science and everyone bought a hybrid car.

But now… this. Cows can’t even pass gas without someone fingering them in the latest lineup of global warming whodunnit. One minute these gentle creatures are harmlessly nibbling grass out on the farm, and then -POOF- they’re suddenly the latest cause of Hurricane Bovina.

This raises a few questions. The obvious one is, where’s PETA in all this? But further, where’s the American Dairy Association? Will nobody stand up and defend these animals’ freedom to pass greenhouse gas as a fundamental right? If a cow can’t break wind on the farm, then for the love of God where is a cow to turn?

And why target only cattle? What about elephants? What about horses or whales? And finally, what is the proposed solution… bovine portions of Bean-O for every bull, heifer and calf on the planet? Gigantic cow corks?

At some point–though exactly where or when doesn’t yet seem apparent–the global warming madness has to stop. It stinks.